i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
