Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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