My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
