Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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