perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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