he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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