i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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