I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
