The maid of honor just puked.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
