Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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