Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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