I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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