Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
