i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
