he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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