Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
