dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
