I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
