dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
