He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
