the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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