I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
