i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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