you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
