His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
