I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
