I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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