i jhust puked up my retainher.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
