I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
