Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
