I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
