I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
