I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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