I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
