Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
