Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
this just has baby written all over it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
either way he was missing a nipple.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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