Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
