so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
