did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
