mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
