dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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