i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
