I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
