So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
