This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
