i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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