you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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