Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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