Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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