A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
