My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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