i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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