I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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