she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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