just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
