what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
