There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
