i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
