Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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