apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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