Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
